Dating Advice for Republican Women

Dating Advice for Republican Women
email | 2-4-05 | Myrna Brutti


Ah, California. Land of palm trees, sunny beaches, and the metrosexual male. Due to the shortage of conservatives in this semi-Marxist land, a Republican girl like me sometimes has to date liberal men. After the last one, however, I've sworn them off.

He seemed okay at first. His appearance and behavior were not flagrantly metrosexual, the way so many California men are. He seemed like a nice enough guy and showed signs of decent intelligence (book-smarts, anyway). He didn't even make it obvious that he was a liberal. Maybe, I thought, opposing politics doesn't have to ruin a relationship. I soon found out that I was wrong.

Our first date went well enough. He was interesting and even had a sense of humor. On our next date, however, the Shi'ite hit the fan. For our second date, I suggested that we go to the shooting range. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, he stared at me as if I had two heads.

"Shooting? You mean like, GUNS?! But guns are scary and dangerous! They kill 13 children every day, if you count 23-year-old gang members shooting at each other as 'children'!" That, basically, was his response (except for the 23-year-old gang members part. He was much too ignorant to know that). He then launched into an angry anti-gun rant filled with lies. (He probably has a poster of gun-grabber Chuckie Schumer on his wall that gives him wood). It took all my self-control not to punch him in the face. Needless to say, we broke up.

After that incident, I swore I would never date another liberal ever again. A few weeks later, I managed to snag a guy who described himself as a "conservative Republican." Conservative, well-educated, interesting, easy to talk to, and cute as well. Jackpot, right? Wrong.

What happened with this new guy had some creepy similarities to what had happened a few weeks ago with the member of the species metrosexualis fearsgunsus. Once again, our first date went just fine, and, once again, the trouble came on the second date. Like I had with the other guy, I suggested to my conservative friend that we go shooting. I thought he would love the idea, since I knew he was a gun owner and a member of the NRA. Instead, when I made the suggestion, he stared at me as if I had two heads.

"You mean you have GUNS?! But guns are used for killing people, and you're a woman! Women are supposed to be nurturers, not killers! How can you betray your femininity by owning deadly weapons?!" That was his response, and it shocked and disturbed me. I expected more sense from a conservative. I explained to him that I owned guns because a) I enjoyed shooting, and b) I wanted to be able to protect myself if I ever had to. I explained that I did not look forward to killing anyone, but I would be willing to do it if it was necessary for self-defense or in defense of other innocent people. I explained that this was a sensible policy for both men and women.

His response to that was an angry anti-woman rant filled with lies. (He probably has a poster of Taliban leader Mullah Omar on his wall that gives him wood). After he finished his rant, I asked him if he believed that a woman who had been raped and murdered was morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet. He answered that yes, she was. He added that while he didn't want to see a woman get killed, he found it morally preferable to a woman killing someone, even in self-defense. (If I had asked the liberal guy the same question, he'd probably have said yes, too. Ironic how two extremists on opposite sides of the political spectrum can give the same idiotic answer). Just like with the liberal guy, it took all my self-control not to punch him in the face. And, just like with the liberal guy, needless to say, we broke up.

A few weeks later, I read a column that discussed "South Park Republicans." For those who are unaware, South Park is a cartoon show, sometimes vulgar, usually hilarious, that has Republican leanings. The column described South Park Republicans as conservatives who supported small government, individual rights, and the Second Amendment, while having the ability to actually have fun (something that both the Bible-thumpers and the politically correct liberals lack). As I read the description, I recognized not only myself, but also my ideal man.

My advice to you, ladies, is to avoid both the Bible-thumping reactionaries and the PC liberal "tolerance Nazis." Instead, go for a South Park Republican guy. They're smart, they know how to have fun, they won't be offended by dirty jokes, and they, and only they, like women with guns.

P.S. Both the metrosexual lefty and the Bible-thumper were offended by the small penis joke. I wonder why