The following appeared in the Columbus Dispatch on 11/16/04 written by Joe Blundo, a Dispatch columnist.
Canada busy sending back Bush-dodgers.
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.
The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry."He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields."
Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves."
A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said.
"I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.
Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border.
Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.
After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers."
If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating and organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.
"We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."
3 comments:
LOL! Surely this is pure tongue in cheek humour, yes, Alia? I just can't imagine a pampered Hollywood producer huddled in the bushes sans a Starbucks mocha in his hands!
Just had to add this other Canuck voice to the above link, Alia.
Ian Robinson of the Calgary Sun wrote Stay Home, you pathetic whining maggots a few days back.
A few notable excerpts to titillate you...
Bush has my admiration in no small part because he manages to simultaneously annoy France and Germany, not to mention those renowned deep, geopolitical thinkers, the Dixie Chicks, Bruce Springsteen, P-Diddy or whatever he's calling himself now, Gwynneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck.
(snip)
I hope I'm not alone in gently suggesting to those considering coming to Canada: Stay home, you pathetic whining maggots.
Particularly celebrities. Canada has suffered enough without having to put up with any of the Baldwin brothers or -- heaven forfend! -- Barbra Streisand.
And frankly, I don't know if we can afford to feed Michael Moore.
Bad enough that Canada became a haven for the gutless wonders of the 1960s who fled the Vietnam draft. I sometimes think that the draft dodgers welcomed by the Trudeau government were a political virus that invaded our body politic, and we still suffer the lingering effects of that illness.
Our nation's preposterous pacifism, belief in nonsense such as "soft power" and fidelity to a morally bankrupt United Nations overrun with tin-pot dictators and other left-wing idiocies, may well be traceable back to the influx of thousands of the testosterone-challenged whose allegiance to country was superceded by their allegiance to smoking dope while trying to figure out the inner meaning of Beatles songs.
(snip)
As a nation, we ought to welcome our share of people fleeing genuine oppression, and those willing to gamble everything to secure a safe and decent future for their families.
But welcome a bunch of spoiled brats willing to abandon their very nation because they don't like the man elected to be their leader for the next four years?
Geez, in my entire lifetime, there was maybe one prime minister I'd trust to run a street-corner hot dog stand -- the rest of them weren't fit for much more than compost -- but it never occurred to me to emigrate.
If we close our borders to anybody, it should be these fools. They'll be easy to screen out.
They'll be the ones who are whining.
ROFL!! Do you think it might be possible to award these vocal lefties, threatening to leave, with a Darwin Award? Their desire to move back to an age (countries) most Americans are glad to only hear about, as in past tense?
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